I have never been a fan of the Porsche Panamera from day 1. It’s a car that tries to be everything to everyone, and ends up being nothing to anyone. It’s a four-door saloon that wants to be a sports car, a luxury car that wants to be a family car, a hybrid car that wants to be a petrol car. It’s a car that makes no sense.
But now, Porsche has unveiled the new 2024 Panamera, and they claim it’s better than ever. They say it has more power, more luxury, more tech, and more… well, more everything. They say it’s the ultimate Porsche for people who don’t like Porsches.
The first thing I noticed was the new design. It’s still a big, fat, ugly blob, but it’s slightly less blobby than before. The headlights are bigger and angrier, the air intakes are deeper and wider, the tailgate is frameless and sleeker, and the rear lights are thinner and longer. It looks like a Porsche that’s been stung by a bee then received an intense facelift.
Inside, it’s a different story. It’s a feast of leather, wood, metal, and screens. There’s a 12.3-inch infotainment system that does everything from playing music to ordering pizza, and a 10.9-inch touch-screen for the passenger that lets them watch movies, reply to emails, or annoy the driver. There’s also a new gear shifter that’s moved from the console to the steering wheel on the dash, which is supposed to make it more sporty. It doesn’t.
The new Panamera comes with four new E-Hybrid powertrains, which are supposed to make it more efficient and more eco-friendly. They don’t. One model variant, which I can imagine being very popular with the football wives is the twin-turbo V8, with an electric motor, and a battery pack, which together produces a whopping 670 hp. That’s more powerful than a Ferrari F8 Tributo. But it also weighs 2.3 tonnes. That’s heavier than a Range Rover Sport. And it costs $402,3003. That’s more expensive than a Lamborghini Huracan. On paper, this thing looks like a heavy overpowered cow, however the little mad German engineers over at Porsche always have a way of making the impossible possible, and I doubt this is an exception.
The Panamera boasts a new and complex hydraulic suspension system which can make it jump and do tricks like a fat little sea lion. Porsche claims this will help with handling, but we’ll have to test it out to see if that’s true.
So what’s the point of the new Panamera? It’s not a sports car, because it’s too big and heavy. It’s not a luxury car, because it’s too noisy and harsh. It’s not a family car, because it’s too fast and expensive. It’s not a hybrid car, because it’s too thirsty and polluting. It’s an incredibly capable car for people who will never experience the full range of capabilities it has. Unless it can prove it’s more than an overpowered cow, I recommend you save your money, and buy a Cayman, or a 911.
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